Anxiety, stress and pregnancy

I want to start this by saying this is an account of my personal experience and if you are looking for a "pregnancy was amazing" post, this isn't it. This post might also be quite triggering, so if you want to skip this one, we won't feel offended!

I want to start by saying that I have absolutely no medical background and I have pieced this together through research and self-reflection. I suppose those of us who suffer with anxiety are prone to over-research and that often compounds the problem, but I will give you an account of my experience.

A lot of this anxiety stems from the fact I have PCOS – those who have infertility problems probably know this syndrome well. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) affects 1 in 10 women and basically affects how our ovaries work. Polycystic ovaries contain a large number of harmless follicles that are up to 8mm (approximately 0.3in) in size. The follicles are underdeveloped sacs in which eggs develop. In PCOS, these sacs are often unable to release an egg, which means ovulation does not take place. [source NHS].

With PCOS comes a multitude of side effects;

• Infertility

• Depression

• Weight Gain

• Excessive hair growth

• Thinning hair (great to have both sides of hair covered – you’re either hairy or balding; cheers hormones)

• Oily skin/acne

• The list goes on!

To have our second, my doctor prescribed metformin to address my infertility issues; there were also another concoction of drugs to help with the process but metformin is the most well known. Metformin is actually a drug to help with insulin resistance in diabetic patients but PCOS has similar side effects relating to insulin resistance and because of the hormone profile, Metformin has been a known drug to help with this. Metformin gave me nausea, headaches and a really dodgy tummy and for someone with IBS, this was not a brilliant combo and wasn’t really something that made you up for baby makin’.

I just want to do a little shout out to those suffering with infertility; it is relentless and so insanely cruel. And please excuse my French, but it is really quite fucking shite. So we are sending love, so much love.

Fast forward many (MANY) months and we found out we were pregnant. This was the 100th pregnancy test we did and I said to my other half, lets just use it so they’re all finished and call it a day. And oh my goodness, we were pregnant! Wahey! We were over the moon.

In walks anxiety – what if this doesn’t work? Then began the googling “pregnancy after taking metformin” “5 weeks pregnant” “miscarriage probability calculator” (yes this is a thing, and no I do not advise googling it) “birth defects probability in women in PCOS” “will I be able to hold my dead baby”…. as you can see my mind spiraled. Can I caveat and say I did not do any of this with my first one, it was like I knew what I could lose and it would be so much harder. The unknown can be bliss.

I will say I have always managed my anxiety and stress quite well but being pregnant in the pandemic really tipped me over the edge. The baby started measuring small and they said it was a mixture of my hormone levels and stress. The fact that they highlighted my stress actually had the adverse affect and made my stress worse – in my mind all I could think was “brilliant, lets compound stress with stress and put the baby at even more risk”! In parallel I was working a very busy corporate job with a 3 year old at home – have you ever run a board meeting with a 3 year old asking to go for a poo? It feels like it totally discredits you professionally (it doesn’t – everyone is human) and piles on the stress.

Fast forward to being around 5 months pregnant. I went in for a growth scan and they said go wait in a room (on my own because of Covid) because there was something wrong with the baby – this wait was 15 minutes and it felt so lonely/cruel/torturous! They immediately signed me off work with the order to calm the fuck down – this was not the medical term they used but you get the drift. They put me on high alert and informed that I would be having weekly growth scans and when the baby stopped growing they could C-Section me on the day. Living week-to-week is not good for anyone’s mental state but living week-to-week wondering if your baby is going to survive is killer. I wanted to outwardly portray that everything was fine to provide certainty for my 3 year old but on the inside I was spiraling. I will end this saying that I had to be pro-active and manage this stress because no one else was going to do it for me. I found some calm and eventually the baby was born only 2 weeks early and was massive!

Here are the ways I actively managed my stress and anxiety:

1. Asked myself “what if it goes well” rather than “what if it goes wrong” – shifting that mindset.

2. Exercise exercise exercise – this is so cliché but it is for a good reason.

3. Mindfulness apps – again, I’m the least eat, pray, love person out there but it helped.

4. Being present with my 3 year old and getting out in nature.

5. Speaking with my healthcare team about available support.

The reason behind this post is that I want to give you an honest account of mental health and pregnancy. It was the perfect storm; hormones, infertility, difficult pregnancy and a pandemic. It is 100% normal to struggle but what is most important is to remember the struggle should never be alone.

Sending love x